It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize