i think my mom watched the whole time
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
