he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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