the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
