Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
