I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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