I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
