Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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