You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
