My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
