When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
