I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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