Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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