I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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