We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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