haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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