haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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