this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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