Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
