he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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