Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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