I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
