At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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