Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
