I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
