Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
