You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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