toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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