I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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