my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I feel great
I just peed on a car
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize