you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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