If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
