did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
