i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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