someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
