If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize