Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
