Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
