I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
