She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
