i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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