There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
