i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
