There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
