Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
