And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize