I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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