you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
