Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
