i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
