Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
