If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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