I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
