why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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