I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
