just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
