He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
