That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
