I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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