we have pet lesbian snakes
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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