I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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