u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
