Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
