I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
