I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize