Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
